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Sending Your Child Off to College: Plus A Ceremony Your Synagogue or Friends Can Use

by Julie Hilton Danon

A group of families meets in a living room in late summer. The families gather in a circle. Their children, eighteen years old and on the verge of new, independent lives as young adults, share some of their memories of growing up Jewish in their southern community. They also talk about their goals for Jewish life when they scatter to colleges in cities far away.

Mothers and fathers with tears brimming in their eyes have the opportunity to openly express their emotions as the youngsters they raised prepare to leave home. They share messages that may have been unspoken for years, reading poems or singing songs to their children. In the secure harbor of this moment, gathered among friends, it feels safe to share these feelings. Parents and grandparents give photo albums, Jewish ritual items and talismans for their children and grandchildren to take as mementos of home.

When all are done speaking, the lights are dimmed and the young adults lead the prayers of Havdalah, the separation between the Sabbath and the rest of the week. Now the braided candle represents the interweaving of their lives with their parents, the interplay of light and shadow in their experiences of family life. The spices evoke memories shared, the cup of wine the fullness of emotion brimming over at that moment. Then hands are joined as the rabbi or other facilitator leads the families in a blessing for their children. Together they all sing "Eliyahu HaNavi" (Elijah the Prophet) and "Shavua Tov" (A Good Week). They sense the power and sanctity of a moment in time, poised on the cusp of life-changing events. Afterwards, the mood shifts as everyone laughs and talks over Melaveh Malkah, (a light meal at the end of the Sabbath).

Leaving home for college or other pursuits can be an emotional time for young people and their families. It is a crucial rite of passage in contemporary society. But until now, Jewish tradition has had no formal ceremony to mark this. Sitting with a box of kleenex in the car after dropping one's offspring at State U. doesn't really qualify as a stirring ritual of passage. While the young adult leaving for school is filled with excitement and trepidation, the parents may have difficulty adjusting to their newly emptier nest. For many Jewish families, college may also mark a time when both the student and the parents back home decrease their participation in Jewish life, now that they no longer have the traditional nuclear family reasons in place for Jewish observance.

Our congregation has established a new ritual, the Chai Ceremony, to mark this crucial passage from high school to adult life. It acknowledges and affirms the importance of the transition, while providing a framework in which both parents and adult children are encouraged to consider how their Jewish lives will look afterward.

"Chai," which means "life" in Hebrew, is also the equivalent in Hebrew numerology to the number eighteen; which is, of course, the age at which most of our young adults make this tradition. The ceremony is built around Havdalah, literally meaning "Separation," the short ritual marking the end of the Sabbath and the inauguration of a new week. The wistfully sweet mood of Havdalah, a time of poignant separation from a treasured interlude, mingled with hopeful anticipation for the future, provides an ideal traditional anchor for the ritual. Like Havdalah, this is not a final separation, for students will be home many times in the future, but now they will be coming home as young adults with much more independent lives.

The Chai ceremony is not a replacement for Bar or Bat Mitzvah, which retains its powerful meaning as the transition from childhood to adolescence and responsible participation in Jewish life. However, in traditional society, early marriage was actually the life-cycle event that marked leaving home for a life of one's own. Today, marriage is generally delayed, and high school graduation now marks the time when the majority of our young adults leaves home, usually for college; sometimes for work or volunteering, military service, or time in Israel. The minority who live at home while going to college can also expect to experience a new adult level of independence at age eighteen. (In Israel, of course, eighteen is the time for military service, obviously an important life transition.)

Our congregation is a small one. Larger communities might wish to hold several Chai ceremonies among groups of families, in order to maintain intimacy, or they might make the event a more structured one. Congregations might consider a program of study leading to the event, or the presentation of a gift. One creative idea which I haven't yet brought to fruition is to design a tallit clip with a chai on one side and the congregation's logo on the other. Meanwhile we have found that something as simple as attractive key chains with Chai symbols and Hebrew blessing-words on them made good mementos of the occasion. One year a grandparent made all of the young adults framed Hebrew blessings for their desks at college. Other ideas include a siddur (prayerbook), ritual objects, a book on Jewish life in college, or a subscription to a Jewish publication.

We ask the young adults and the families to consider what their Jewish participation will be in the years ahead. Many adjustments occur when children leave for college, and Jewish involvement may become less of a priority. We encourage our students to join Hillel, go on college programs in Israel, take courses in Hebrew or Judaic studies, and express their Jewish values through volunteer activities. We have also been joined at some of the Chai ceremonies by young adults who have decided to convert to Judaism or to assert their Jewish identities after having been brought up without Jewish education. We have welcomed their participation and, as rabbi, I have been able to make the experience a positive one for their families as well. It is important to have a leader or facilitator on hand who can let the families speak for themselves while making each family feel that their particular experiences are respected and honored by the community.

Leaving home is already a powerful time of passage in the lives of both parents and children. The Chai ceremony is designed to recognize, celebrate and build on that event within a traditional yet innovative Jewish context. My prayer is that families and communities all over the country (and beyond) will take this idea and make it their own, until it becomes a part of the fabric of Jewish life. L'Chayim! (To Life!).

Chai Ceremony

Part One: Sharing

Families gather in a circle on a Saturday night shortly before the Chai participants leave for college or other destinations.

The program may open with a song or niggun. The rabbi or other leader introduces the ceremony, explaining the meaning of Chai--life/eighteen, Havdalah-- separation of the Sabbath from the week, and the nature of the Chai ceremony as an innovative ritual, centered around the traditional Havdalah ceremony, celebrating the life passage at age 18.

The leader invites each young adult to tell his or her plans and can ask about any special Jewish memories, or Jewish activities planned. After each Chai participant speaks, his or her parent(s) (followed by other relatives and friends, if desired) are invited by the leader to share their thoughts, blessings or wishes for their child. Parents may wish to present their child with a family memento, Jewish gift or other keepsake. Some may wish to share a poem, prayer or song. A wordless refrain (for example, from Debbie Friedman's Havdalah song), may be sung between each family's presentation.

The community may wish to present each Chai Participant with a gift. Ideas include: Jewish ritual objects, a prayerbook, or a memento with a "Chai" symbol on it.

The leader invites everyone to rise, join hands and say or sing a blessing together. The priestly blessing in Hebrew and English may be used (Debbie Friedman's tune might be sung for the Hebrew).

Part Two: Havdalah

The havdalah ceremony now begins. It may be introduced with the traditional Hebrew verses (Hinei El Yeshuati) found in the siddur. The Chai participants lead the service. Special optional readings are included, to highlight the themes of this life-cycle ritual. Wine symbolizes joy. Truly, at this time of celebration, our cup of joy runs over. It is a Sephardic custom to smile or even to laugh joyfully as we look into the kiddush cup, anticipating a delightful week ahead. As we say the prayer over the wine tonight, let our smiles and laughter be not only for the week ahead, but for the upcoming years of growth and learning. L'Chayim!

Tradition tells us that the spices at havdalah console us as our Sabbath soul departs. It is also said that the sense of smell is one that is most closely linked to memories. As we smell the Havdalah spices, may their fragrant scent recall our many memories of growing up. May we take these special memories with us as we go on to the next phase of our lives. May the sweet scents of memory console us as we face the tender partings that are part of growing up.

The Havdalah flame is made of two intertwined wicks. They blend together to form a bright flame, yet each one stands independently of the other. So, too, our lives are interdependent. We weave together and share the warmth of love and friendship, but we must also grow and become independent. As Shabbat departs, the glow of the Havdalah flame reminds us of the productive work ahead. May this candle light our way as we go on to a new phase of life, and may God establish the work of our hands.

Chai Participants: Havdalah means separation. It is the ceremony separating the Sabbath day from the week ahead.

Parents and relatives: Tonight's Havdalah has a special meaning. It is time to acknowledge a separation in our lives as our young adults grow up.

We celebrate Chai, eighteen years that mark the fulfillment of one phase of life and the beginning of another.

It is a time of releasing and letting go.

It is a time of growing up and experiencing the new.

It is a time to remember that life is a dance of comings and goings, like the light and shadows formed by the Havdalah candle.

Just as Shabbat will return next week, we will return many times to our families. But each time, we will be different. All of us will grow and change.

All: Let us bless the letting go and the letting grow. Let us bless the new phase in our lives upon which we now embark.

We give thanks for the Sabbath day which is now ending. We are grateful for the blessings of peace and renewal for body and soul. May be essence of the Sabbath infuse our week and inspire us to work for a messianic time, a day that is all Sabbath. According to tradition, Elijah the Prophet will herald this world-that-is-coming. We express our hope for the future as we sing together:

Part Three: Social

After the "Shavua Tov" song, all break for "Melaveh Malkah," post-Sabbath refreshments and socializing.

L'Chayim! To life!